MY BLOGS

“The more labels you have for yourself, the dumber they make you.” Paul Graham−entrepreneur, venture capitalist, and author.

How many times have you heard people say: I am a perfectionist; I am a people pleaser; I’m not good in math, or I can’t do that. I can’t sing. I’m not wired to do _____ −fill in the blank.

We’re all guilty, we’ve all done it, because we think we know ourselves. Sometimes the label is worn as a badge of honor, other times it’s being used as an excuse for our failures .

How did we come to wear this label? Where does it come from?

Maybe your parents told you that you would never amount to anything? Or maybe a coach told you that you lack BMT (big match temperament). You loved singing, but your first-grade teacher told you that you weren’t good enough. Maybe you’ve been called a lazy bum, a slow-Joe, or a plain-Jane?

Some of these people meant well and were perhaps trying to motivate you, others may have been just sharing opinions not meant to offend, and some may have actually wanted to hurt you. Regardless of how close you are to the speaker, you often take these statements to heart. A Harvard psychologist, Dr Ellen Langer said, “If something is presented as an accepted truth, alternative ways of thinking do not even come up for consideration…”

We “march” to the people-who-spoke-into-our-lives’ band. We become molded by their “truths” and ways of doing live. We come to hold on so strongly to these beliefs to the point that we don’t even know who we are anymore.

Have you noticed how your life has been shaped by your labels? We all become the labels that are given to us by others. These labels are capable of steering our lives in a certain direction.

We as pain sufferers are known as perfectionists, people pleasers, strong people, and always put others first before we take care of ourselves.

In a previous blog (LIVE LIGHT SERIES Part 1 – Let Go of Perfect) I discussed how perfect brings us pain. People pleasing is no different. We suffer from guilt when we can’t accommodate others. The guilt weighs down our shoulders. Declining an invite is unthinkable to us, we fear others’ disapproval. Fear increases our pain. Proverbs 29:25 tells us “Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the LORD means safety”.

We, the strong people work through our pain and never complain. Or so we believe. We face life head-on and shoulder on caring for others first. Sometimes to our own emotional detriment, because that’s what a good mother, family member or friend does. Right?

What happened to being kind to ourselves? How can we love someone else if we don’t take care of ourselves? Scriptures tells us in Luke 10:27, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ We are not talking a self-centered love, but caring and compassionate towards your own feelings and emotions.

What labels are you hanging on to? It is helpful or limiting?

Dear friend, let’s get rid of the Perfectionistic, people-pleaser, and all other labels. I am sorry to tell you, there’s nothing honorable about these labels. On the contrary it causes us harm.

I wish it was easy to just let go, but sometimes we can’t do this on our own. We need others to guide us through the healing process, because there is much deeper work to do. This is a step in the right direction to care for yourself.

Please contact a local family counselor or psychologist to help you work through this. If you want pain specific counselors, feel free to contact the Pain Psychology Center.

With what labels are you struggling? I would love to hear from you. Please send me an email.

Until next time!

Anita Beukman

Your Hope Coach